Sober

So there I was struggling
Trying to be a part of the performance
Yeah you can call it that
Some are in action and some just clap

When you are in your sanity
All seems a little waste of everything
The moment you step on to the other side
You become the king of the bling

I have been there countless times
But today I was on the cheering end
That dude probably missed me
Gave me the middle every now and then

Its a side-effect of being sober
But in the end if feels right
Yeah! that thing sets you free
But you don't wanna lose the fight

That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the life back then
Missing those happy moments I had
Again today I feel that void
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the future and
Visualizing what will it be like then
Again today I sit clueless
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the status quo
Wondering if I am at the right place
Again today I am confused
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about all the times
Taking life into perspective
Again today I say "what's the fuss"
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Rolling dice, flipping coins and face-down cards!!!

In the maze of sun-signs, poker chips and braveness
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
Hard work changing their timelines without a hint
From the crevices of the wall, life is peeping

In the maze of tipping points, moving planets and perseverence
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
Contentedness keeping their timelines compromised
From the swollen skins, life is dripping

In the maze of right times, charms and patience
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
His cane destroying their timelines without pain
From the glowing red, life is missing!

The last kiss

In the centre of the battle-field, he was lying on his death-bed. All his loved-ones were around him but he was alone. Not because they didn't love him or he was blind to see them. They were all dead. He was the only survivor of the ruthless attack from their closest enemy. He could see the headless body of his friend. It wasn't chopped off; it was smashed to nothing under the feet of a creature of huge dimensions.
Thousands of bodies were piled up around him but nothing moved. For the last time, he wanted to see his wife and kiss her the final good-bye. He gathered all his strength and got up on his left leg. That was the only one left from the last clash. He looked around and saw her head popping out of the pile of corpses. He pulled himself towards her. It was almost impossible but he had to do it for the last kiss. Slowly with a lot of pain he finally managed to reach near her. He had a good look of her face because that was going to be the last time. A tear rolled down his left cheek and dropped on her temple and stayed there like a pearl. It was time now. He moved his lips towards her with a smile on his face........

Suddenly I came and smashed that disgusting little creature under my sandals and shouted to my friend - "Maar diya maine aakhiri cock-roach ko bhi!!!"

Who do you think is living?

How do you see life
Is it the things around you
Probably, but it doesn't look like moving
Is this what you say a stable life

lets see life from a different angle
Look inside you, are you living
Theoritially yes, but do you really
Am I being very philosophical

Ok lets close your eyes
what do you see, nothing but darkness
Look through and now tell me
what do you see?

Some fly to their past
And some dream about their future
Some think about their present too
Who do you think is living?

Casino Royale

Casino Royale

Stepped out to live a hunderd dollar bill
Wanted pure fun so took a chill pill
Was about to embrace the casino royale
Heart started pounding with a sinking morale

Took a step more and I was in there
Haven't seen such thing before anywhere
Roullete was spinning & the chips moved around
Laughing at the tables brought a soothing sound

Was amazed for a while by the pomp and show
And for the chance to gamble my heart said no
Then a thought popped up, I had nothing to lose
Just a little price was my ticket to this cruise

An empty table was just waiting for me
My heart said, Go Black Jack! whatever it be
Got my chips and there went the first bet
I won the first, it's always been like that

Twenty minutes gone, and was left with just five
It was time to go and I took the final dive
But my destiny had saved something else for me
Instead of losing, I got on a winning spree

Sitting on my throne, I was ruling like a king
Three fifty with me, was a pretty big thing
Being there for so long was much more than winning
Staying there and loose all had a better meaning

Four hours at the table, hundred & fifteen left
My promise to have pure fun was fully kept
Said goodbye to the palace after taking my cash
Though not vegas, but I will never forget this bash.

Even I had a say!!!

They say when you know what you want
The whole world conspires you to achieve
I believed it and kept my want alive
But who knew what she wanted

They say if you want something badly
You must let it go free
I hoped that she may return
Only to realize hope's dangerous

They say try, try and try again
And keep trying until you succeed
I tried and sometimes I over-tried too
Few rounds in my soul & she knocked me down

They say that way follows will
So I nurtured my determination well
And befriended my perseverance too
But in the woods, she took the other path

I believed what they all said
And agreed to what all she said
In all this fake belief system
I forgot that even I had a say.

I have to live before I die

In the maze of life I walked
And ran in the search of life
I was alone for months and years
But I had to fight to survive

Then I heard something behind a door
And struggled to reach the other side
I thought I was a step closer
But only found three walls inside

The sound of life was persistent
And the walls were too strong to break
I knew I had to move further
But the door was only at my back

I tried and cried alternatively
And kept on scratching the wall
Thinking of the redemption day
But was left only with a tired soul

I cried again and took a step backward
And made a cross with my bleeding fingers
I had tried enough for a human
But I have to live before I die.

I am single. I haven't fallen in love with my job.

They say - "If you love your job, you never will work a day in your life". That's so true. How about people who don't love their job but still have to do it? It's a hardship. I do not belong to either of the parties though. I do not love my job but I do not hate it either.

Today, I had a realization that all the things that I thought interested me, were just passing phases. They all started with some trigger. The truth that I don't remember any of those triggers is sufficient enough to prove that I don't consider them as my lost destinies. I followed them wholeheartedly by putting good amount of efforts which gave me a false feeling that I liked doing them. The catch here is that I had to make efforts to keep myself interested.

If I try to recall, I had once thought of jumping into the finance business. Luckily I lost interest and I didn't do it; saved from the economic crisis. But the thing that disturbs me is that I don't remember what made me read all those finance books and magazines and I also don't know when and why exactly did I lose interest in the subject. May be a period of extra work in office would have kept me away from finance and eventually I forgot my plans.

Another of my tryst was with designing and stuff. I have been associated with this for a long time now but it has always been in patches due to extra pressures from other spheres of life. This may give an impression that this must be what I like to do because it has been there since long and just some temporary commitments broke the continuity. The fact is that I never got a feeling that I can pursue this professionally or even as a life-long hobby because it was never the topmost in my priority list. For its survival for the longest tenure, I believe that there might be a day when I would take it for always and for that day, I always try to keep in touch with some creative activities here and there. This is the reason that I volunteered for few designing teams at my office.

I have been associated with an NGO too for some time now. And it pleased me to work for the social cause. But due to some reasons, I have not been doing anything on this front for a while now. Today, when I was on my way for the social activity, I didn't have the same enthusiasm and motivation as always. Was this because of the month-long gap or just that I don't like doing it? I hope it's not the latter. This question made me write this journal here. I know that a diary is a more suitable place for this text but I wrote it down here to know if others also have similar experiences and if yes, how do they handle it?

Short story - Late call

John was the lucky son of movie business. Awards came by, but only to be dumped in his closet. Making movies for him was a means to vent out his creativity. Trophies and mementos were just the by-products. But one day, everything changed.

Motion pictures academy ranks movies in three categories every year. One of them is "movie that moved hearts". John had been warming the first spot for this category for six years in a row but this year, he was just a distant spectator to the top 5. This was a shock to his "not interested in awards' heart but why? Was he changing? Was he used to the first place? Or was it his ego? All these questions tormented him and every attempt to suppress them pushed him deeper into the abyss. His surprise changed gradually to sadness and sadness turned into depression.

It took John more than a month to come out of this hole but when he came out he was a changed artist and a changed man too. Till now, he never had a motive to win awards while making a movie; they came to him on their own. But this time he was the chaser. This was not his style and he had no idea how to do it this way. Instead of being spontaneous and instinctive, he tried to imitate his older works and other award winning movies. It was not working but he was blinded by the thought that someone else will take away his beloved prize.

When John completed the movie and saw what he had made, only then did he realize that this was not his work. His creativity was over-shadowed by his desire to win and the fear to lose again had corrupted his mind. He had created a plagiarized product.

The awards were declared today evening. It's mid-night and he is staring at the blank wall of his living room. Scenes from his life are flashing in front of him. He wants to delete the frames of last year and re-live them. But it's too late. Life has no retakes. He decides to quit.