Sober

So there I was struggling
Trying to be a part of the performance
Yeah you can call it that
Some are in action and some just clap

When you are in your sanity
All seems a little waste of everything
The moment you step on to the other side
You become the king of the bling

I have been there countless times
But today I was on the cheering end
That dude probably missed me
Gave me the middle every now and then

Its a side-effect of being sober
But in the end if feels right
Yeah! that thing sets you free
But you don't wanna lose the fight

That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the life back then
Missing those happy moments I had
Again today I feel that void
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the future and
Visualizing what will it be like then
Again today I sit clueless
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about the status quo
Wondering if I am at the right place
Again today I am confused
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Thinking about all the times
Taking life into perspective
Again today I say "what's the fuss"
That strange feeling inside my stomach

Rolling dice, flipping coins and face-down cards!!!

In the maze of sun-signs, poker chips and braveness
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
Hard work changing their timelines without a hint
From the crevices of the wall, life is peeping

In the maze of tipping points, moving planets and perseverence
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
Contentedness keeping their timelines compromised
From the swollen skins, life is dripping

In the maze of right times, charms and patience
They are looking for something; Ah! not a thing
His cane destroying their timelines without pain
From the glowing red, life is missing!

The last kiss

In the centre of the battle-field, he was lying on his death-bed. All his loved-ones were around him but he was alone. Not because they didn't love him or he was blind to see them. They were all dead. He was the only survivor of the ruthless attack from their closest enemy. He could see the headless body of his friend. It wasn't chopped off; it was smashed to nothing under the feet of a creature of huge dimensions.
Thousands of bodies were piled up around him but nothing moved. For the last time, he wanted to see his wife and kiss her the final good-bye. He gathered all his strength and got up on his left leg. That was the only one left from the last clash. He looked around and saw her head popping out of the pile of corpses. He pulled himself towards her. It was almost impossible but he had to do it for the last kiss. Slowly with a lot of pain he finally managed to reach near her. He had a good look of her face because that was going to be the last time. A tear rolled down his left cheek and dropped on her temple and stayed there like a pearl. It was time now. He moved his lips towards her with a smile on his face........

Suddenly I came and smashed that disgusting little creature under my sandals and shouted to my friend - "Maar diya maine aakhiri cock-roach ko bhi!!!"

Who do you think is living?

How do you see life
Is it the things around you
Probably, but it doesn't look like moving
Is this what you say a stable life

lets see life from a different angle
Look inside you, are you living
Theoritially yes, but do you really
Am I being very philosophical

Ok lets close your eyes
what do you see, nothing but darkness
Look through and now tell me
what do you see?

Some fly to their past
And some dream about their future
Some think about their present too
Who do you think is living?

Casino Royale

Casino Royale

Stepped out to live a hunderd dollar bill
Wanted pure fun so took a chill pill
Was about to embrace the casino royale
Heart started pounding with a sinking morale

Took a step more and I was in there
Haven't seen such thing before anywhere
Roullete was spinning & the chips moved around
Laughing at the tables brought a soothing sound

Was amazed for a while by the pomp and show
And for the chance to gamble my heart said no
Then a thought popped up, I had nothing to lose
Just a little price was my ticket to this cruise

An empty table was just waiting for me
My heart said, Go Black Jack! whatever it be
Got my chips and there went the first bet
I won the first, it's always been like that

Twenty minutes gone, and was left with just five
It was time to go and I took the final dive
But my destiny had saved something else for me
Instead of losing, I got on a winning spree

Sitting on my throne, I was ruling like a king
Three fifty with me, was a pretty big thing
Being there for so long was much more than winning
Staying there and loose all had a better meaning

Four hours at the table, hundred & fifteen left
My promise to have pure fun was fully kept
Said goodbye to the palace after taking my cash
Though not vegas, but I will never forget this bash.

Even I had a say!!!

They say when you know what you want
The whole world conspires you to achieve
I believed it and kept my want alive
But who knew what she wanted

They say if you want something badly
You must let it go free
I hoped that she may return
Only to realize hope's dangerous

They say try, try and try again
And keep trying until you succeed
I tried and sometimes I over-tried too
Few rounds in my soul & she knocked me down

They say that way follows will
So I nurtured my determination well
And befriended my perseverance too
But in the woods, she took the other path

I believed what they all said
And agreed to what all she said
In all this fake belief system
I forgot that even I had a say.

I have to live before I die

In the maze of life I walked
And ran in the search of life
I was alone for months and years
But I had to fight to survive

Then I heard something behind a door
And struggled to reach the other side
I thought I was a step closer
But only found three walls inside

The sound of life was persistent
And the walls were too strong to break
I knew I had to move further
But the door was only at my back

I tried and cried alternatively
And kept on scratching the wall
Thinking of the redemption day
But was left only with a tired soul

I cried again and took a step backward
And made a cross with my bleeding fingers
I had tried enough for a human
But I have to live before I die.

I am single. I haven't fallen in love with my job.

They say - "If you love your job, you never will work a day in your life". That's so true. How about people who don't love their job but still have to do it? It's a hardship. I do not belong to either of the parties though. I do not love my job but I do not hate it either.

Today, I had a realization that all the things that I thought interested me, were just passing phases. They all started with some trigger. The truth that I don't remember any of those triggers is sufficient enough to prove that I don't consider them as my lost destinies. I followed them wholeheartedly by putting good amount of efforts which gave me a false feeling that I liked doing them. The catch here is that I had to make efforts to keep myself interested.

If I try to recall, I had once thought of jumping into the finance business. Luckily I lost interest and I didn't do it; saved from the economic crisis. But the thing that disturbs me is that I don't remember what made me read all those finance books and magazines and I also don't know when and why exactly did I lose interest in the subject. May be a period of extra work in office would have kept me away from finance and eventually I forgot my plans.

Another of my tryst was with designing and stuff. I have been associated with this for a long time now but it has always been in patches due to extra pressures from other spheres of life. This may give an impression that this must be what I like to do because it has been there since long and just some temporary commitments broke the continuity. The fact is that I never got a feeling that I can pursue this professionally or even as a life-long hobby because it was never the topmost in my priority list. For its survival for the longest tenure, I believe that there might be a day when I would take it for always and for that day, I always try to keep in touch with some creative activities here and there. This is the reason that I volunteered for few designing teams at my office.

I have been associated with an NGO too for some time now. And it pleased me to work for the social cause. But due to some reasons, I have not been doing anything on this front for a while now. Today, when I was on my way for the social activity, I didn't have the same enthusiasm and motivation as always. Was this because of the month-long gap or just that I don't like doing it? I hope it's not the latter. This question made me write this journal here. I know that a diary is a more suitable place for this text but I wrote it down here to know if others also have similar experiences and if yes, how do they handle it?

Short story - Late call

John was the lucky son of movie business. Awards came by, but only to be dumped in his closet. Making movies for him was a means to vent out his creativity. Trophies and mementos were just the by-products. But one day, everything changed.

Motion pictures academy ranks movies in three categories every year. One of them is "movie that moved hearts". John had been warming the first spot for this category for six years in a row but this year, he was just a distant spectator to the top 5. This was a shock to his "not interested in awards' heart but why? Was he changing? Was he used to the first place? Or was it his ego? All these questions tormented him and every attempt to suppress them pushed him deeper into the abyss. His surprise changed gradually to sadness and sadness turned into depression.

It took John more than a month to come out of this hole but when he came out he was a changed artist and a changed man too. Till now, he never had a motive to win awards while making a movie; they came to him on their own. But this time he was the chaser. This was not his style and he had no idea how to do it this way. Instead of being spontaneous and instinctive, he tried to imitate his older works and other award winning movies. It was not working but he was blinded by the thought that someone else will take away his beloved prize.

When John completed the movie and saw what he had made, only then did he realize that this was not his work. His creativity was over-shadowed by his desire to win and the fear to lose again had corrupted his mind. He had created a plagiarized product.

The awards were declared today evening. It's mid-night and he is staring at the blank wall of his living room. Scenes from his life are flashing in front of him. He wants to delete the frames of last year and re-live them. But it's too late. Life has no retakes. He decides to quit.

Inside

Lying down with a pillow under my head
Thoughts so beautiful and cozy inside.
Pulling the blanket over my chest
Feelings so touchy yet deep inside.

Breathing in and out, in tandem
Heart pumping for us inside.
Dreaming sweet with eyes open
Pictures of the hopeful future inside.

Singing the soundless melody
Lips decorating the words inside.
Smelling the bits of life around
Fragrance of those lively moments inside.

Thinking about past and the future
Struggle to survive the present inside.
Loving that heavenly face more than anything
Desire for the smile with a glow for me inside.

Ghajini : It wasn't enough

***Pictures taken from www.santabanta.com***


Ghajini is finally in the multiplexes and I was there too yesterday. Our meeting was not as satisfying as I would have liked. It fell down hard on my expectation and I found them both (Ghajini and my expectation) lying there in front of me, wasted.

Without spending too much time on any build-up, I would straight-away point out the reasons why I didn't like the movie -

1) Lack of intensity in the movie.
2) Aamir could have done more. I am not blasphemous but I have to say "God who failed".
3) I have seen and liked memento.
4) The flashback story was too long. Ironically, if detached from Ghajini, the flashback story was better directed than the real story.
5) I was over-expecting.
6) Concept wasn't new for me after memento, fifty first dates etc.

Now, I would point out the few better things which I liked about the movie -

1) Last fighting sequence. Camera work and special effects of high quality. Director still tried to get carried away by over-showing the effects of Aamir's kicks and punches; after all, he belongs to Tollywood.
2) Aamir's new-found physique and his costumes in the movie; but this has already been shown too much so that was not a breaking news for me.
3) Songs are good. Not very good.
4) Asin was a treat to watch. Good natural acting.



The best dialogue of the show came in the end from my cousin with whom I saw the movie. At the end, Aamir is shown among kids of an orphanage. To this, my cousin said "Yahan se Taare Zameen Par start hoti hai".

We both had similar views about the movie but this is what just two people think. We could overhear people at the end of the show - "Awesome!!!"

I lost, lost and lost and then I won

Just before writing this, I was cursing my stars for not sticking with me in my last few days. And suddenly I realized that these days couldn't have been better. I lost and lost and lost. But today when everything is over, I have realized that I didn't loose anything in any of my losses except for a sprained lower neck and a little piled-up work at office. But these are nothing in front of the relief and satisfaction that I am experiencing right now. I had tasted defeat in 4 consecutive competitions but more importantly, I have learned to face defeat.

It started with the poster making competition. The outcome of our efforts was decent but when compared to the winning entry, our work looked mediocre.

Next was volley-ball. We had a good team (do not count me as I was a filler) and with a little practice, we could have given competition to the better teams. But, as obvious, we didn't do any practice. Some good players didn't turn out and we had more fillers. And eventually, we lost both our prelim games; convincingly.

Then came badminton; the game which I have played countable number of times. I participated in the doubles event and it was just for fun so it's not a surprise that my partner was less mature than me in this game. I played 2-3 times before the game and the game was playable. The result of the match was 15-0 against us. We were completely thrashed by our opponents. Although, they two are among the best players of that court and we among the worst, still the sound of that ZERO in the final score made me really feel defeated.

This defeat brought back the memories of the earlier losses and it didn't feel good.
But I had one more card in my pack; my joker - the pool competition. This game I play good enough. And with that confidence, I thought that barring one or two, I would easily cruise to the top. Please note that these statements are made according to the people whom I normally play with. Today was my first game and also the last of the tournament. My opponent was probably a PM with whom I had never played with. He was good and better than me today. But with my normal form, I would have easily defeated him. It had to happen and it happened. I lost in a very close match due to mistakes I could have avoided. Anyway, it was a defeat again and in my own arena.

The time would have been 7:50 PM and I started writing this blog at around 10:50. These 3 hours in between were pretty hard to pass but now I am a relieved person.

She is one of those habits of mine

I have been trying hard to know her
And harder to understand
She is one of those mathematics puzzle
Unsolved, with a million dollar reward

One instant she seems to be around
And invisible the other
She is one of those fire-flies
Playing hide-n-seek, and I always loose

She made me feel happy sometimes
And neglected me most of the times
She is one of those loved-by-all person
Will love me back, but just for a while

She likes few things about me
And hates everything other than that
She is one of those critics of mine
Praises once, writes-me-off a hundred times.

She does everything I have said
And may be, does much more than that
But she is one of those habits of mine
Can quit one day, to start again the next.

Dasvidaniya - Start living, before your life becomes your biggest problem

Dasvidaniya, 8:45 PM show, E-Square, Pune - A surprisingly profound end to a boring Saturday with no power supply throughout the day.

An excellent movie after a very very long time which wouldn't be forgotten very soon. A classy movie with sensational act from Vinay Pathak and other characters fitting in the slots perfectly. A story told with a very subtle tone but leaves a very deep impression upon your soul. A story which you can relate with as soon as it starts and you will try to carry it on even after coming out of the multiplex.

Dasvidaniya is a movie which will make you laugh and which will make you cry and most importantly, it will make you think. I have been thinking since 11:00 PM and I couldn't stop myself from writing this article so that people who are reading it don't miss this movie. Believe me, this movie will move you.

Although the concept is not very original and we have heard similar stories before but the presentation is completely of a new style. No over humorous dialogues, not very tearful scenes; but you will find yourself laughing your heart out at many places and you would fail to hold your tears at some.

I am dying to tell the story out here but then I would spoil the main attraction of the movie i.e. presentation. So go out and watch out the movie at the earliest otherwise you would land up hearing the story from one of your friends or in some article online. And for this movie, I can say that even if you go with over expectations, it will not fail you.

Till then, Dasvidaniya!!!

Accumulation is good; Circulation is better

What can you make out of this statement?

"Accumulation is good; Circulation is better"

Any guesses? You might think Money(the social people), Gas(the funny people), knowledge(the intellectual people) and Girl-friends(every guy).

For me, the title of this blog is somewhat related to what the intellectual people think i.e. knowledge but I am talking about "Circulation of Thoughts".

I read a lot in past few months but didn't write at all; neither was I involved in any good, sound dicussions. In short, I was just accumulating; there was no outlet to my thoughts and thus, my circulation system got blocked. In metaphorical sense, I felt suffocated but actually it showed up as a kind of dullness in my life which I came to realize only when I started blogging again and talking (thanks to my friends).

So the whole point is that like evrything else, even our thoughts need circulation. Reading is good but sharing what you read is better. If you are not reading, start reading; if you are reading but not writing, start writing; if you are doing both you are blessed. Carry On!!! AMEN

Namesake - The Shaz L story

Disclaimer : This is not an interesting blog. It's just an informative blog.

Some people who know me little must be wondering what's the name of my blog about. Who or what is shazl? So, for them and everyone reading my blog, "Shaz L" is my pen name. It's just an abbreviation for my full name i.e. Shashi Prakash Ladha. I used it for the first time when I started writing on a site called Helium. They ask for a pen-name during sign-up. That time, I was pretty serious about writing on that site and I though why not come up with a cool, short name that will sound familiar to people across the globe. FYI, Helium is a US based site and majority of the readers and writers on this site are US based so Shaz L seemed appropriate to me. The trail actually lies with one of my old yahoo id, shaz_praz_laz(I know it's very funny). This was inspired by the "Shaz and Vaz" show.

When I started using this name, I didn't know that there could be people who would already be using this name. One fine day, I searched it on google and although I could see my Helium profile on the top of the list ( :) wow ), I could see more pages with Shaz Ls who actually were not me. First thing that cmae to my mind was "identity theft" but they could have been named like that by their parents or they might have come up with this name before me. So, there is no choice and I have to live with all these Shaz Ls on internet.

Sometimes, other pages come above mine in the search so I am in a kind of a competition with all these Shaz Ls. Today, my page came at 4th place and at first place is a facebook account. One of the reason of writing this blog is to promote my association with this name which in turn will bring my page on the top.

I have been using this name so frequently that now I really feel it as one of my names or say nick-names. Now, if someone calls "Shaz", I automatically look towards that person. Most of my forward mails carry my signature as Shaz L and I use it at every casual place I can because I really like this name now. And to mention, I was very delighted to get this name for my blog URL.

So now you all know - Why Shaz L!!!

All robots look alike!!!

9:30 in the evening, I was on my way back home in the company bus. After gobbling down my daily share of chana dal and peanuts, my hand automatically went into the side pocket of my gym bag, as if programmed to do that everyday, and pulled out my i-pod like white-wired earphones. The other hand went into my trouser pockets and pulled out my cell phone - an almost extinct Motorola model. I continued my robotic tasks of removing the socket cover and skillfully pushed the pin of the ear-phone smoothly into the spot. I achieved the same satisfaction doing that as Monika achieved hearing the clicking sound of putting back the marker cap.

Within no time, the ear-plugs were in my ears(duh) and they fitted so perfectly that it seemed that they were customized for my ears. And suddenly, I was listening to the song "Late goodbye". It was so instantaneous that I didn't realize when I had unlocked the keypad, gone to the music folder and played the last song on the list.

I have a psychological compulsion to start either from the first song or the last song - don't ask me why because even I don't know.

I tilted my head back slightly to enhance the flow of music from my ears to my brain. I was in some other world when the bus suddenly jumped over a bump. I made an unsuccessful attempt to think what might have happened because I was fast asleep when it happened and now the bus was moving smoothly again.I looked around at my co-passengers to get some idea and I didn't believe what my eyes saw. The guy sitting beside me was not anyone else but me and he was looking at me with the same surprised expression which I was wearing on my face at that time. I got scared and turned to the girl sitting on the other side. I almost fainted when I saw my face again just that she had longer hair than me and her earphone was black in colour. I quickly turned my face and bent my head down.

I was shocked like hell and first thing that came to my mind was "Ramsay Brothers". And exactly like the "not so anxious but idiot" victims of the Zee Horror Show, I gathered courage to lift my head up and turned to look at the guy on my right. I was about to die of a heart attack when the bus jumped again on another bump and with beautiful special effects, my face on the other guy's shoulders dissolved and re-surfaced again with a completely different face. The same animation happened all around. Now there were different faces everywhere just that everyone was stressed and tired, nobody was talking, all plugged with ear-phones looking blankly outside the nearest window, with sleep in their eyes, quest to reach home and hug their bed so that they can come back the next day and work harder.

They were all software engineers.